Friday, October 16, 2009
Welcome to the first day of dealing with grief and loss. I talk to so many people who are dealing with loss. I have learned that loss is not only about death. As we go through life we are in a constant state of saying good-bye to so many parts of our life. Maturity opens our eyes up to the loss of identities we took for granted for a major part of our lives. As our children mature and begin their adult lives we loose our identity as their "mommy or daddy". We have new roles to fall into which are not always as comfortable as the original one. Some of us begin to deal with the loss of health. That which was once taken for granted may be in serious jeopardy. We experience loss when we change careers whether through tough economic times, or retirement. Divorce is another major form of loss that can be as difficult to come to terms with as a death. I know that there is no clear cut way to heal from loss. I also know that through the strength and support of others there is happiness to be found and peace. I know as we share our stories, we will be able to add strength to each other. Please share your story, your concerns, and the various ways you are coping. Remember loss is loss and deserves attention and resolution. I'm looking forward to talking with you.
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Deborah,
ReplyDeleteI recently found out that my mom has lung cancer. Although we don't know what stage it is at yet, we know that this is a serious threat to her life. My mom and I have been really close my entire life. She plays a huge role in my daily activities partly because I don't have children. My dad died 20 years ago this December - and that brought us closer still. I want to be as supportive as I can be - but also don't want to "lose myself" in the process. I'm finding it a challenge to be positive - but I think that's what she needs right now. I'm also finding it difficult to address the fact that she will need to move to assisted living. I don't know how other people get through this........
Mindy, Going through life's cycle with our loved ones is such a roller coaster. It's almost like the circle of life should be drawn as a roller coaster track. The "downs" that you are facing right now are so difficult. As you watch your mom give up one by one all of the things that were always taken for granted. You will find that you will gain strength as you bring new normallacy into her life. Being the positive one is an exhausting role. Be sure that you surround yourself with others who will support you. We often forget the burden the caregiver has to face. Don't be afraid to reach out to those who can help you. Be sure and find one person that you know you can say anything to about how you are feeling and there will be support.
ReplyDeleteI was having a difficult time falling asleep last night. My brain was in what I have come to refer to as "kaleidoscopic mode". The thought occurred to me, "How do we deal with the loss of someone walking into, through, on and out of our lives?" Many wonderful people walk in and through and then for various reasons out of our life. Much joy is added, and whenever we think about them it usually releases a feeling of happiness. But, what about the person who walks in, walks through, but then walks on our lives. How do you deal with the sadness or the pain while they're walking on us and ultimately the loss of them walking out? I finally feel like I have some idea as to what I need to do for me. Hopefully this will help you when dealing with a friend you are saying good bye to. My plan is to reflect on the positive things, the cherished memories, brought in as the person was walking through my life. Then learn from the sadness, the hurt as the person walked on my life. It's very important to embrace the hurt so that it is possible to let it go. Reflect on what lesson you learned from this person, how this person helped you see yourself from a different perspective, and helped you grow as a better person. Pain doesn't have to make us bitter, hopefully it helps make us kinder. Finally as the person walks out of your life, you can miss them but not grieve them any longer
ReplyDeleteThe sun is shinning today which always helps us to hold on to more positive hopes a little easier. This weekend, I made some some attitude altering decisions about how I was going to treat someone that I felt had walked in, through, on and out of my life. I realized that the negative energy that was being sent was really only harming me. I have decided to treat this loss with kindness, gratitude for what was good, and begin to let go. There is a beautiful sense of peace in this approach to loss. I hope your day is calm, peaceful, and giving. Deborah
ReplyDeleteSometimes the easiest part of a loss is psychologically letting it go. Everything that comes before the final separation can be so much more difficult to deal with. I think divorce is so difficult to recover from if there are children. The issues that occur with children albeit young or adult tend to cause you to reenter the other persons world. Usually this is a world which holds pain and disappointments. This is the part of reality that tears the "scab off" of your healing. I am making a conscientious effort to deal with life in a peaceful, non combative manner. As soon as I have any contact with my daughter's father, I find myself falling back into old patterns of dealing with reality. I have always said that I can deal with anything he wants to send my way, just don't mess with my kid. I know on an intellectual level that he is emotionally bankrupt, yet every time he hurts her, my resolve to be peaceful dissolves. Divorce,the hardest loss to put to bed. Today I plan on regrouping, and allowing peace to replace the ugliness he once again introduced into our lives. I will try to allow his problems to remain his problems and quit trying to fix them.
ReplyDeleteThis has been an emotionally freeing week. I finally realized that a person I believed to be a very good friend, for reasons known only to him, no longer cares to be in contact with me. I have been trying to understand what might have caused this break. I asked repeatedly, left messages, apologized for whatever I might have done, only to have no response. Not so much as a text saying, "leave me alone." It is as if he never existed. Finally the other night I realized that there are time when no matter how concerned we are about someone our only recourse it to respect their wishes and leave them alone. So abandoning my ego, I said "good bye" and let go. Why he doesn't speak to me is no longer important. This new freedom is very nice.
ReplyDeleteEvery loss I have experienced is always accompanied by anger. Knowing that it is part of the grief cycle doesn't always make it any less pleasant to have in my life. The last few days I have been making a conscientious effort to let go of residual anger directed toward those who have brought loss into my life. The anger stage of grief to me is the most ego driven part of the process. It is about, "How could you do this to me?" It's also the part that will consume you and make you incapable of moving forward. Letting go of anger is not something that I can allow time to correct. It is an emotion that I have to come to terms with head on. I need to acknowledge and then own it, and then finally communicate to the person that I can no longer allow them to bring anything more negative into my world. It's also about forgiving. As difficult as this is to do when we feel wronged, it is critical in the healing process. I am learning how to more readily be forgiving by reversing the process in my mind. I think about people that I have caused pain, throughout my life and then think about how much better I feel when I know they have forgiven me and moved on in their lives despite the hurt I may have inflicted. As with any emotion we experience, there is nothing wrong with feeling anger. There are situations especially loss, that provokes us to be angry. Accept the anger and then choose to let it go, as it will never benefit you over the long run. The peace that is experienced by releasing yourself of the grasp of anger is amazing.
ReplyDeleteI was a talking with a friend last night who's mom's cancer is in an advancing stage. One of the aspects of loss that is not always discussed is the role of the caregiver. All to frequently the responsibility is taken on by one person while others take a secondary role or sometimes stand silently on the sideline. This is not fair, not only to the main caregiver but it is equally not doing a service to the others standing back and to the dying person.
ReplyDeleteWhen we welcome a baby into the world, everyone rushes to embrace the child who, as Wayne Dyer says, "came from nowhere to now here." As someone is preparing to go from
"now here back to nowhere", many try to avoid the process. As sad as saying good bye is to a loved one, there is a peacefulness that attaches itself to you as you walk closely with the person to the end of their earthly life.
My mother taught me that you want to be able to miss the person who leaves, but not grieve for them. The way to accomplish this is to do everything you are capable of while they are here now. When they leave, there are no, "would have's, could have's, should have's." You can look back and realize you did the best you could do to make their journey comfortable. Giving them the space to accept their death, talking to them about daily, normal activities, celebrating little things, crying with them about the losses allows the survivors memories which no one can remove or take away. A bond between the person leaving and the person staying is so strong that on the days when you think, "I can't do this without you", you'll hear them saying, "You'll never be without me, because you sealed me in your heart."
Allow and encourage all people involved, to take part in this miraculous stage of life. Allow them to realize that where the loved one is going is a place of amazement and beauty and the only difference for us is the package they lived in is not here.
I reconnected with a friend out of the past yesterday. She is recovering from a relationship loss to which she has been afforded no closure. In reflecting upon our conversation, I realize that in order for us to move forward one of two things must occur. We must be allowed to have time to talk with the person leaving our life and gain an understanding as to why this is happening. If this is not a possibility, as it often is not, then the only thing we can do is remember the positive things this person brought into our lives, even if only for a short period of time, and then say a silent good-bye and let them go. Sometimes it helps to turn the situation around, and think maybe they came into my life for something I had to give them. Maybe, this was not for me, but for what I had to give. As hard as it is to loose someone, or have them leave you, it does take a little of the pain away when you can look in the mirror and say, "I gave all I had to give, and I hope the gift was appreciated and cherished." I know after taking with my friend yesterday, that the gift she gave, even though she will possibly never know, added a quality to a person's life that was wonderful, and perhaps that was the reason for the relationship.
ReplyDeleteAnticipatory loss....that is what I am dealing with at this very moment. My thirteen and a half year old dog is having so much trouble walking all of a sudden. Shortly the vet will let me know what is happening. In the back of my mind I know the time to say good bye is coming, if not today...it won't be all that long. I have already decided that I will allow him as much dignity as possible and not prolong his time with me if it is not quality for him. He has been so much a part of my world for almost a fifth of my lifetime. Can we ever be completely prepared to say good bye to loved ones? Saying good bye to the physical form that brought us joy, sorrow, comfort can only be reconciled though knowing that the spirit which was truly the one we loved is forever part of us until we reconnect at a later time.
ReplyDeleteMy friend had to say good bye to one of her best friends from the day she was born last week. Her mom died after one chemo treatment. Today, she now is beginning to feel the numbness wear off and the awareness of her absence is taking over her senses. The people who gathered around are dissipating and heading back to their lives, and she is trying to return to "normal." But what was normal in the past is gone and today there is forming a new normal. Now all we can do as her friends is send love to her and allow her to walk up her path at her pace and join her from the side line when she is ready. To my friend I send you love and peace and know that you will begin to heal at just the right moment.
ReplyDeleteI just learned of the death of my cousin. This is the second loss of someone I know in two weeks. In both cases the body in which they were traveling was worn out and leaving it was the best thing for them. For those who loved them, the loss is so difficult. My cousin is the third of five children in her family to die. My aunt and uncle must bury yet one more child. Saying good bye to one child would be so difficult, yet to have to do it three times is overwhelming. My cousin's dad was my dad's oldest sibling. He has been through the loss of so many of his siblings and now his children. Words of comfort are not easy at this time. Knowing that these people are at peace and happy is truly the most comforting blanket to embrace. At the holiday time, death seems even harder sometimes to accept. Perhaps realizing that as much as everyone wants to go home for the holidays, these people truly do "go home."
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